Dr Rebecca Lawson
What low mood actually is
Low mood is not the same as sadness, and it is not a character flaw. Most people experience it at some point — after a bereavement, a job loss, a long winter, or for no obvious reason at all. It tends to show up as flatness rather than tears: things that used to be enjoyable feel pointless, sleep and appetite shift, concentration slips, and everything takes more effort than it should.
The evidence is fairly clear that low mood sits on a spectrum. For many people it lifts on its own within a couple of weeks. It becomes more of a concern when it persists for most of the day, most days, for several weeks, or when it starts to affect work, relationships, eating and sleeping. Your role as a friend is not to diagnose or treat. It is to be a steady, kind presence — and that is genuinely valuable, not a consolation prize.
Listen without rushing to fix
The instinct to problem-solve is natural, but it often lands badly. When someone is in low mood, being handed solutions can feel like being told their feelings are an inconvenience to be tidied away. Listening well is a skill, and it is learnable.
- Reflect back what you hear. "That sounds exhausting" or "So you've been carrying this on your own for a while" shows you are following, not waiting for your turn to speak.
- Avoid minimising. Phrases like "at least you've got…" or "others have it worse" close the conversation down, even when meant kindly.
- Don't compare. Your own experience of a bad week is not evidence that theirs is minor.
- Sit with silence. A pause is usually thinking, not a gap you need to fill.
- Resist repeated advice. Say your piece once, then focus on understanding.
You do not need perfect words. "I'm glad you told me" and "I don't have the answers, but I'm here" are usually enough.
Ask what help looks like
Open-ended offers — "let me know if you need anything" — are hard to act on when energy is low. Specific, low-effort offers work far better, because they remove the need to plan, decide or ask.
- "I'm doing a shop on Saturday — shall I pick up a few things for you?"
- "I'm walking at the park at 11 on Sunday. No need to talk. Just come if you fancy it."
- "Would it help if I sat with you while you book a GP appointment?"
- "Do you want company, distraction, or to be left alone tonight?"
Then ask the direct question: "What would actually help right now?" Sometimes the answer is nothing, and that is useful information too. It means your job is simply to stay.
Stay in touch — consistency beats intensity
Low mood makes people withdraw, and withdrawal makes low mood worse. A long, intense conversation followed by a month of silence is less helpful than small, predictable contact. Think of it as maintenance rather than rescue.
- Send a short message with no obligation to reply: "Thinking of you. No need to answer."
- Keep a regular slot — a Tuesday coffee, a Thursday walk. Predictability reduces the effort of arranging things.
- Don't take silence personally. It is usually about capacity, not about you.
- Keep inviting, even when you expect a no. Being asked matters, even when the answer is no.
- Notice and mention small things: a return to a hobby, a better night's sleep, a shower on a hard day.
When to encourage professional support
If low mood has lasted weeks, is worsening, or is affecting basic daily functioning, it is worth encouraging a conversation with a GP. In the UK, adults can also refer themselves directly to NHS Talking Therapies for talking treatments such as cognitive behavioural therapy, without needing a GP referral first. For urgent concerns about safety, NHS 111 can advise, and 999 or A&E is appropriate if there is an immediate risk to life.
If you are worried someone may be having thoughts of suicide, ask them directly. Evidence consistently shows that asking does not plant the idea and often brings relief. A simple "Are you having thoughts of ending your life?" said calmly and without alarm opens a door that is otherwise very heavy to push.
Know your limits. You are a friend, not a clinician or a crisis service, and it is fair to say so warmly: "I care about you and I want to keep being here — and I think you need more support than I can give."
Looking after yourself too
Supporting someone with low mood is draining, and resentment builds quietly when you ignore your own needs. Keep your own sleep, exercise and friendships intact. Share the load with others rather than becoming the sole point of contact. It is fine to say, "I can't do tonight, but I can do Friday." Boundaries are not a betrayal of friendship; they are what makes it sustainable. If you are carrying this alone and it is affecting your own mental health, your own GP is a sensible place to start.
